Sunday, March 19, 2017

Blessing day

We blessed Remi on Sunday March 12th, 2017.
I love the days when my children are blessed. I feel angels around me, gathering to witness the blessing of a soul they already know, probably better than me.
I was pretty distracted by Macklin and saving seats for family..yadda I figured I wouldn't be too emotional during the blessing. But the second Ryan started, WATER WORKS.
Remi was blessed to be a strong woman leader in today's world. She was blessed to find a companion who could help her reach her goals. She was blessed to lean on her family and her Heavenly Father for help when needed.
It was incredibly powerful.
I am so honored to be the mother of these 2 precious souls.
I really hope I don't screw it up.

Saturday, February 4, 2017

My little girl

 I figured it was time for me to get back to blogging and to blog the birth story of our beautiful


I was due 12/19 with Remi. I was induced with Macklin at 41 weeks & I was so hoping that my body would show signs of going into labor on its own with #2. But it really didn't, besides dilating to a 2/75%, which is exactly what I was with Mack. I was really diligent about walking everyday with this one too...I was strangely obsessed with her being in a good position this time around. I guess my biggest fear was getting a c section and the recovery that would ensue with a toddler at home. But! That didn't happen & I digress. 

With the holidays approaching and the risk of having a Christmas baby getting higher and higher I decided to get induced at 40 weeks and 1 day. My biggest 2 fears with being induced again were 1) C section 2) my epidural not working AGAIN. So, this was my scared face that early Tuesday morning of my induction on 12/20/2016.

My labor experience was a lot more uneventful. They started the pitocin around 9-9:30, broke my water around 1...which was a really funny sensation. I never experienced it with Mack. I went to the bathroom shortly after it happened and just sat on the toilet and laughed because it totally felt like I was peeing myself and couldn't stop. I tried to put off getting my epidural as long as I could because of what happened the first time (one sided and only lasted for an hour, so I got another one just to have the exact same thing happen. Yowza.) I finally got to a 4.5 around 3 pm, and I was starting to hurt A LOT. So I thought labor was picking up, but an hour and a half later, I had gone back to a 4. Ugh. I was so discouraged and in so much pain, so I reluctantly agreed to the epidural.
But let me tell ya. My epidural this time was PERFECT. Gah, I would do it again in a heartbeat. I felt instantly relaxed and was even able to get in a small nap while my body did all the work on it's own. Glorious. I went from a 4 to baby in my arms in like 2-3 ish hours. It also wore off enough at the end that I could feel when I was pushing. I DEFINITELY felt when it was time to push but that was a good thing because it helped me push effectively. She was out in less than 15 minutes of pushing (as opposed to 90 minutes with Mack!) I told Ryan to play some music while I pushed, and Ben Rector's song "Brand New" just happened to come on when she made her grand appearance out of me.

As I was pushing my dr asked if I knew how to braid because she had a TON of hair. I still get tons of comments on it. It is a glorious, thick, long head of dark hair (thank you heartburn...the wivestale was true for me). But, I love it so much. All the nurses in the nursery would tell me "She's so beautiful! We can't get over her!" which I know means a lot coming from a nursery nurse (I am one...& we are the harshest judges of baby's cuteness! haha!) Anyways, it's always fun to hear you have a beautiful baby. Because every parent thinks that. Not that it matters. Also it was so funny when they brought her back to our room after her bath. A big old black nurse brought her back in and said "You got yourself a good baby. She be straight chillin!" Ha. Made me laugh. Anyways.... 

Mack got to come meet her within the hour and he didn't seem freaked out at all. Actually this whole process with him has been amazing. He can't walk past her without kissing her. He will share toys with her, bring her a binky when she cries, cover her with a blanket..I mean, it's ridiculous. He is the sweetest big brother. He rarely gets upset when she is in full blown freakout mode either. It almost seems like he was waiting for her, like being a big brother is what he was sent to do. I pray that they always have a good relationship. She is a lucky girl. 

I love this picture for some reason. She's like "Oh Lawd what happened to me!" 

She was a grunting quite a bit after birth so some of my NICU friends got to come to my delivery room and give her some CPAP. It freaked me for a second, but I knew she was in good hands. She never had to leave my room and got over it real quick. This picture was after the drama had settled. She was so bright eyed and calm, just checking everything out. She felt so tiny to me, even though she was 7lbs 10oz and 20 1/2 inches long. 

So sleepy. Soooooo sleepy. 

I am so happy to have my little girl. One of my new favorite songs sums it up:

Today's a day like any other
But I am changed
I am a mother
Oh in an instant
And who I was has disappeared
It doesn't matter, now you're here
So innocent
I was lost for you to find
And now I'm yours and you are mine
Two tiny hands, a pair of eyes
An unsung melody is mine for safekeeping
And I will guard it with my life
I'd hang the moon for it to shine on her sleeping
Starting here and starting now
I can feel the heart of how
Everything changes
My heart's at the wheel now
And all my mistakes
They make sense when I turn them around
Everything changes
What I thought was so permanent fades
And I swear I'll remember to say we were both born today
Oh, and it's true
What did I do to deserve you

Tuesday, November 22, 2016

Heart Eyes

Halloween was so fun this year. It began with me dressing up as a Royals fan at my annual family Halloween party. I couldn't not do it with my big ol' belly. I wasn't gutsy enough to do it for actual Halloween though. Then we made a trip to Great Wolfe Lodge with my whole family. My favorite part was all cramming into one hotel room and eating fries and junk food and talking while the kids ran around. Halloween ended with trick or treating with my fireman. We didn't plan to go with cousins but we all ended up at my parents house to take pictures at the same time and decided to go together. Mack had a ball running around with his cousins and getting candy. 

33 weeks 3 days--I am now 36 weeks and 2 days. WHAT. Last week is when it hit me. It being the extreme exhaustion, crankiness, and just overall feeling of being done. It's really hard to be a good mom and pick up my 32 pound son. I ache and I'm impatient and I'm insanely hungry to where eating is almost a chore because I've eaten through everything and I'm still hungry. 
Ok. Rant over. 
I had an ultrasound yesterday and she is HEAD DOWN (YES!) and is approximately 6 lbs with a head full of hair. As hard as the last month of pregnancy is, I love being pregnant. I love feeling her move. I love anticipating what she's going to look like, who she's going to become. Motherhood is a privilege and I hope I can remember that on my hard days.

Pictures like this remind me of that privilege. That, and watching him sleep. 
Allll the heart eyes! 

Sunday, October 16, 2016


Last Monday we had a FHE (Family Home Evening) about temples (maybe our first FHE with Mack ever...yikes). We went to our beautiful Kansas City Temple to walk the grounds and talk to Mack about how special it was. So that got Ryan and I thinking that we should probably make it to the temple soon. We both had that Friday off so we found a sitter and decided to go. Ryan got onto Family Search that night just "for fun" to "see if I can find anything." He ended up finding A TON of names. His mom is a first generation mormon and so the work to do on her line is basically never ending. It is overwhelming and amazing. We were able to find a couple on his dad's line from the 1600's. Ryan got emotional as he found those names and said to me multiple times, "I think I know them." It was pretty tender. Also tender is sitting in the temple with your spouse that you cannot comprehend existing without. I am sooooo thankful to be with Ryan (& our family) forever. I take it for granted, I know. But moments like this help me realize how much it really all means to me.

Saturday, October 8, 2016


I started typing out "HELLO SEPTEMBER" until I realized it's October 8th and time is a really funny thing once you're a mom and you function with much smaller portion of your brain than before.
Here's my brain dump for SOCTOBER (Sept + Oct).

Ryan & I were able to go on a babymoon to his favorite place in the world, San Diego towards the end of September. A couple of days before we left I noticed I was starting to feel sick (sore throat, congestion, cough, etc...) & I thought, alright I'll rest up and be good to go for the trip. But of course the first day we're there I feel absolutely horrible, couldn't breathe, coughing every 2 steps, no energy. I knew what this was. I get it every 2 years or so and it knocks me out for at least a week and a half. B R O N C H I T I S. (side note--that night we saw a movie and I spilled my entire 64oz RED DRINK all over myself at the beginning of the movie. So I sat there shivering, wet, cold, sick, and RED. I told Ryan I wanted to go home right then and there). I was so mad at the world. Here was my chance to get a break, enjoy much overdue time with my husband in the most beautiful place in the country and all I wanted to do was crawl into bed. I cried so hard that night and threw a major hissy fit and threw a bunch of stuff. So, Ryan gave me a blessing, I took a hot shower, and I went to bed. The next day I still felt pretty crappy, but I also felt an added measure of strength and energy that I didn't have the day before. I literally felt lifted up and it was nothing short of a miracle.

I pulled myself together and we had a nice time, albeit I was still feeling lazy but Ryan was perfectly happy lounging and eating and relaxing right along with me. He's a gem.

Goofy hotel picture of myself at 28 weeks. I have this really weird love for hotels.

This is what our mornings at home look like. Mack usually wakes us up between 7-7:30 by yelling out "MAMAAAAA." I'm not a morning person but that always makes me laugh. I go into his room and he'll grab his dog and favorite blanket and then he wants to get into our bed and watch "Melmo" or "Choo" with some sort of breakfast. He'll sit there for at least 30 minutes (sometimes I'll get to go back to sleep) & it's totally the best. I love lazy mornings with him.

We've been trying to get out and do fun fall things more this year because...well, fall. We went to an apple festival last weekend and it was mostly us chasing Mack around trying to keep him from destroying every booth we walked past. And then we went to a pumpkin patch earlier this week and had pumpkin doughnuts and went on a hayride and fed animals and it was perfection. FALL. WHY ARE YOU THE BEST?
Also I want more of the pumpkin doughnuts.

Mack's latest acts of mischievousness include climbing to the top of a ladder by himself in less than 3 minutes, and eating a half of a pack of gum. The kid loves the gum. He gets it from me.

I'm almost 30 weeks pregnant and baby is still breech. It's actually incredibly uncomfortable. I can feel almost her every movement, which is sorta nice, because with Mack I often got worried he wasn't moving enough. But she's nestled in my right ribs and I think she thinks my ribs are some kind of soothing object. I hope she learns that my pelvis is much much better.

Saturday, September 10, 2016

Real Talk

Last weekend we went to a wedding for one of Ryan's very best friends growing up. Ryan was a groomsmen and the wedding was full of people he grew up with and had known for a really long time. Super fun time for him. This picture is from the wedding and I posted it to instagram for posterity sake and because I was just being a good millennial. I got some nice comments including one that said "your family is perfect" from a friend I love a lot & who knows that we are NOT perfect. But I just wanted to share the real talk behind this picture.

Ryan had been gone ALL day to do wedding-y things. The first time we saw eachother he was walking (of course) the hottest bridesmaid down the aisle...which is fine, I told myself. This isn't a debutante ball. It's a WEDDING. Get over it (but whyyyy does he have to be paired with the prettiest one? insert distressed emoji here!) I was distracted by Mack and jellybeans until the ceremony was over and we were finally able to go over and talk to Ryan. But suddenly as Mack & I were walking up to Ryan, who was surrounded by his "buddies" and "pretty bridesmaid", I looked down and remembered how huge I felt. And how tight my dress was. And wondered if people could see my belly button. And hoping no one would notice my droopy butt or the crumbs stuck to my belly. I was mortified with myself. It seemed as if everyone there that was our age was skinny, beautiful, *drunk or getting there*, and having a good time. The rest of the night was so weird for me. I didn't want Ryan to look at me. I was embarrassed about myself, my appearance. I felt like the fat pregnant cow of a wife to this super hot, hunky, popular, fun, charming groomsmen.
These feelings were so real to me. I know Ryan could tell something was up but I was so ashamed of myself I couldn't even talk to him about it until a couple nights later.
( took me days to get over this).
I blame pregnancy for my extreme emotions and deflated self esteem but it scared me to have such feelings of self loathing. I kept telling myself that Ryan didn't belong with me, but with someone prettier and skinnier. I was breaking my own heart and only hurting myself. I don't really know how I was able to shake these feelings. I am my own worst enemy. Why do I have to be so mean to myself? I'm growing a little girl! I should never be ashamed of my body in any stage, and yet I always find a reason to criticize it.

I'm trying not to make everything all about me, just explain the reality of this picture.
Social media has a way of twisting reality I'm afraid.


Tuesday, August 30, 2016

A mother's body

I gave a talk in church last week and my topic was self esteem/self worth. Definitely a hard topic for me to speak on because I struggle with it a lot. It was a really good topic for me to study though. I found this post from one of my favorite blogs and this quote totally hit home to me. I need to post it somewhere so I can read it on those days when I can't stand the way my body looks.

"Recently, I had a conversation with a friend about her body image. She told me: “Sometimes I look at my daughter and think, Oh my gosh, she has my thighs, that poor girl. She has my big feet and my huge hands and these things that I always saw as being less than perfect. But she’s so completely beautiful to me. I love everything about her, including her thighs. Seeing myself through that lens helps me see my own body more kindly. All that unconditional love, how can it not extend to me, too?”