Tuesday, November 22, 2016

Heart Eyes

Halloween was so fun this year. It began with me dressing up as a Royals fan at my annual family Halloween party. I couldn't not do it with my big ol' belly. I wasn't gutsy enough to do it for actual Halloween though. Then we made a trip to Great Wolfe Lodge with my whole family. My favorite part was all cramming into one hotel room and eating fries and junk food and talking while the kids ran around. Halloween ended with trick or treating with my fireman. We didn't plan to go with cousins but we all ended up at my parents house to take pictures at the same time and decided to go together. Mack had a ball running around with his cousins and getting candy. 

33 weeks 3 days--I am now 36 weeks and 2 days. WHAT. Last week is when it hit me. It being the extreme exhaustion, crankiness, and just overall feeling of being done. It's really hard to be a good mom and pick up my 32 pound son. I ache and I'm impatient and I'm insanely hungry to where eating is almost a chore because I've eaten through everything and I'm still hungry. 
Ok. Rant over. 
I had an ultrasound yesterday and she is HEAD DOWN (YES!) and is approximately 6 lbs with a head full of hair. As hard as the last month of pregnancy is, I love being pregnant. I love feeling her move. I love anticipating what she's going to look like, who she's going to become. Motherhood is a privilege and I hope I can remember that on my hard days.

Pictures like this remind me of that privilege. That, and watching him sleep. 
Allll the heart eyes! 

Sunday, October 16, 2016


Last Monday we had a FHE (Family Home Evening) about temples (maybe our first FHE with Mack ever...yikes). We went to our beautiful Kansas City Temple to walk the grounds and talk to Mack about how special it was. So that got Ryan and I thinking that we should probably make it to the temple soon. We both had that Friday off so we found a sitter and decided to go. Ryan got onto Family Search that night just "for fun" to "see if I can find anything." He ended up finding A TON of names. His mom is a first generation mormon and so the work to do on her line is basically never ending. It is overwhelming and amazing. We were able to find a couple on his dad's line from the 1600's. Ryan got emotional as he found those names and said to me multiple times, "I think I know them." It was pretty tender. Also tender is sitting in the temple with your spouse that you cannot comprehend existing without. I am sooooo thankful to be with Ryan (& our family) forever. I take it for granted, I know. But moments like this help me realize how much it really all means to me.

Saturday, October 8, 2016


I started typing out "HELLO SEPTEMBER" until I realized it's October 8th and time is a really funny thing once you're a mom and you function with much smaller portion of your brain than before.
Here's my brain dump for SOCTOBER (Sept + Oct).

Ryan & I were able to go on a babymoon to his favorite place in the world, San Diego towards the end of September. A couple of days before we left I noticed I was starting to feel sick (sore throat, congestion, cough, etc...) & I thought, alright I'll rest up and be good to go for the trip. But of course the first day we're there I feel absolutely horrible, couldn't breathe, coughing every 2 steps, no energy. I knew what this was. I get it every 2 years or so and it knocks me out for at least a week and a half. B R O N C H I T I S. (side note--that night we saw a movie and I spilled my entire 64oz RED DRINK all over myself at the beginning of the movie. So I sat there shivering, wet, cold, sick, and RED. I told Ryan I wanted to go home right then and there). I was so mad at the world. Here was my chance to get a break, enjoy much overdue time with my husband in the most beautiful place in the country and all I wanted to do was crawl into bed. I cried so hard that night and threw a major hissy fit and threw a bunch of stuff. So, Ryan gave me a blessing, I took a hot shower, and I went to bed. The next day I still felt pretty crappy, but I also felt an added measure of strength and energy that I didn't have the day before. I literally felt lifted up and it was nothing short of a miracle.

I pulled myself together and we had a nice time, albeit I was still feeling lazy but Ryan was perfectly happy lounging and eating and relaxing right along with me. He's a gem.

Goofy hotel picture of myself at 28 weeks. I have this really weird love for hotels.

This is what our mornings at home look like. Mack usually wakes us up between 7-7:30 by yelling out "MAMAAAAA." I'm not a morning person but that always makes me laugh. I go into his room and he'll grab his dog and favorite blanket and then he wants to get into our bed and watch "Melmo" or "Choo" with some sort of breakfast. He'll sit there for at least 30 minutes (sometimes I'll get to go back to sleep) & it's totally the best. I love lazy mornings with him.

We've been trying to get out and do fun fall things more this year because...well, fall. We went to an apple festival last weekend and it was mostly us chasing Mack around trying to keep him from destroying every booth we walked past. And then we went to a pumpkin patch earlier this week and had pumpkin doughnuts and went on a hayride and fed animals and it was perfection. FALL. WHY ARE YOU THE BEST?
Also I want more of the pumpkin doughnuts.

Mack's latest acts of mischievousness include climbing to the top of a ladder by himself in less than 3 minutes, and eating a half of a pack of gum. The kid loves the gum. He gets it from me.

I'm almost 30 weeks pregnant and baby is still breech. It's actually incredibly uncomfortable. I can feel almost her every movement, which is sorta nice, because with Mack I often got worried he wasn't moving enough. But she's nestled in my right ribs and I think she thinks my ribs are some kind of soothing object. I hope she learns that my pelvis is much much better.

Saturday, September 10, 2016

Real Talk

Last weekend we went to a wedding for one of Ryan's very best friends growing up. Ryan was a groomsmen and the wedding was full of people he grew up with and had known for a really long time. Super fun time for him. This picture is from the wedding and I posted it to instagram for posterity sake and because I was just being a good millennial. I got some nice comments including one that said "your family is perfect" from a friend I love a lot & who knows that we are NOT perfect. But I just wanted to share the real talk behind this picture.

Ryan had been gone ALL day to do wedding-y things. The first time we saw eachother he was walking (of course) the hottest bridesmaid down the aisle...which is fine, I told myself. This isn't a debutante ball. It's a WEDDING. Get over it (but whyyyy does he have to be paired with the prettiest one? insert distressed emoji here!) I was distracted by Mack and jellybeans until the ceremony was over and we were finally able to go over and talk to Ryan. But suddenly as Mack & I were walking up to Ryan, who was surrounded by his "buddies" and "pretty bridesmaid", I looked down and remembered how huge I felt. And how tight my dress was. And wondered if people could see my belly button. And hoping no one would notice my droopy butt or the crumbs stuck to my belly. I was mortified with myself. It seemed as if everyone there that was our age was skinny, beautiful, *drunk or getting there*, and having a good time. The rest of the night was so weird for me. I didn't want Ryan to look at me. I was embarrassed about myself, my appearance. I felt like the fat pregnant cow of a wife to this super hot, hunky, popular, fun, charming groomsmen.
These feelings were so real to me. I know Ryan could tell something was up but I was so ashamed of myself I couldn't even talk to him about it until a couple nights later.
(yes...it took me days to get over this).
I blame pregnancy for my extreme emotions and deflated self esteem but it scared me to have such feelings of self loathing. I kept telling myself that Ryan didn't belong with me, but with someone prettier and skinnier. I was breaking my own heart and only hurting myself. I don't really know how I was able to shake these feelings. I am my own worst enemy. Why do I have to be so mean to myself? I'm growing a little girl! I should never be ashamed of my body in any stage, and yet I always find a reason to criticize it.

I'm trying not to make everything all about me, just explain the reality of this picture.
Social media has a way of twisting reality I'm afraid.


Tuesday, August 30, 2016

A mother's body

I gave a talk in church last week and my topic was self esteem/self worth. Definitely a hard topic for me to speak on because I struggle with it a lot. It was a really good topic for me to study though. I found this post from one of my favorite blogs and this quote totally hit home to me. I need to post it somewhere so I can read it on those days when I can't stand the way my body looks.

"Recently, I had a conversation with a friend about her body image. She told me: “Sometimes I look at my daughter and think, Oh my gosh, she has my thighs, that poor girl. She has my big feet and my huge hands and these things that I always saw as being less than perfect. But she’s so completely beautiful to me. I love everything about her, including her thighs. Seeing myself through that lens helps me see my own body more kindly. All that unconditional love, how can it not extend to me, too?”


Monday, August 29, 2016

Here we go

I told myself ONCE A MONTH. Once a month I need to sit down and do some "journaling" of some sort. So here we go...

Mack is starting to watch shows more which is fantastic for my pregnant butt. He usually likes me to watch with him. Some of his favorites are Sesame Street (Melmo), Chuggington (choo) & I just introduced Blues Clues so we'll see how that goes over. Sesame Street is kinda cute and I don't mind watching that one. They throw adult jokes in there every now and again and I appreciate that. The other day he snuggled up to me (rare) and placed his hand so sweetly on my belly where his sister kicks the most. She totally starting kicking his hand and while he didn't notice, I loved the connection.

I am 24 weeks along now aka 6 months aka viable baby!! Woo hoo! Except she needs to stay in there for a good 3 more months. I'm feeling real good but I'm probably eating too much. I made a loaf of banana bread the other day and ate the whole thing myself (not in 1 day...) I kind of felt accomplished when I ate the last slice. Anyways, this girl is a lot more active than Mack ever was which is really reassuring. The nights I work she's up with me pretty much 3/4 of the night. It's fun and slightly terrifying...like...do you sleep ever or what?

Also, we bought a new car! Ok, well, it's used, but new to us. It's a 2013 Chevy Traverse with about 30,000 miles on it. It has everything we wanted (3rd row seats, all wheel drive, and a back up camera) plus it's kinda pretty. We were really nervous to buy a new car but have been so happy with our purchase so far.

This kid is making me laugh on the daily. This last week I have felt myself grow as a mom in that I can handle his freak outs so much better than I used to, especially in public. I don't get quite as flustered anymore. I'm trying to see things from his perspective and understand why he gets frustrated instead of just getting mad because he's mad. I'm not perfect and somedays I still have to lock him in his room for a sec while he screams it out but...we're getting there...Oh and he still likes to pinch/slap/pull hair so we're working on that one too...
Ryan was sick on Sunday and I managed church all by myself. I cornered him in a pew and we only had to get up and walk around twice! Ha. 
Also he wants to be his dad so bad. Always stealing his shoes, hats, etc and asking for dada. He gets so hyper when Ryan is around and just runs and screams everywhere. He also is obsessed with basketball like his dad. Hoping that sticks. Hoping all of it sticks because his dad is the best. The other day I was really really stressed about some scheduling issues we're going to have coming up here in a few weeks and he totally took charge and solved a lot of problems so I didn't have to worry about it. I cried when he told me what he had done. It meant so much for him to take that load on himself so I didn't have to. I love him a lot.

.....aaaaaaand here is Mack eating yogurt with his hands. This is pretty much how he eats anything. Grabs a big ol handful and gets about 1/2 of it in his mouth. So messy. Oy.
My favorite thing that he does now is push a chair up to the kitchen sink, climb up, ask for "wa wa" so I'll turn on the faucet, and he will play in the sink with the utensils and clean/dirty dishes for a good long time. He always gets himself and everything around him soaked, but...childhood.


Thursday, July 28, 2016


I'm so proud of myself for blogging again! Time is spinning so fast and I want to write things down so I can laugh at myself later.
The picture above is of Mack pinching me. He pinches me and anyone close to him constantly. He also likes to slap and pull hair. It's incredibly aggravating. Like, he'll be doing something naughty already so I'll pick him up, and he'll pinch the crap out of the back of my arms or slap my face. I may or may not have locked myself in the bathroom and cried earlier this week. It just seems like my sweet, happy boy has been overshadowed by this urge to be aggressive. It's really hard to see and it's really hard for me to feel connected to him because I feel constantly frustrated. I guess that's something I have to fix in myself. It's also hard for me to put him in social situations because I have to watch him like a hawk and I get so embarrassed when he hurts other kids. I'm praying (no, begging) that this phase ends fast. The other day at swim lessons, he slapped me across the face really hard in front of all the parents. I was mortified. I know he's just being a toddler, but it still totally sucks.
On a happier note he's talking up a storm (it's probably part of his aggression, I think he wishes he could talk more). Some of his (and my) favorite words are: truck (everything is a truck), ball, Luna, pwees (please), dee doo (thank you), no, ya, duck, and melmo (elmo). It makes me smile when I ask him a question and responds with "ya" or "no" like he knows what I'm talking about.
"Do you want some milk?" "Noooo" ...takes the sippy anyways.
"Do you want to take a nap?" "Ya"...cries when we walk into his room.

He's totally into Elmo aka Melmo right now. One morning I heard him stand up in his crib and say melmo. He'll either wake up and say melmo, Luna, or poop depending on what's going on that morning (poop if he pooped his diaper). Haha, it's cute. and AWESOME that he will finally watch tv of some sort. I know that sounds bad, but sometimes mama just needs a minute.

I'm getting my first taste of raising a child who maybe doesn't act the way you want him to all the time and you have to find out how to love them through it. Some days are hard. Some days you have to say a few cuss words & eat chocolate (that day was yesterday for me). I might as well write it down because no one reads my blog and maybe I can learn from this experience. We had a really rough morning..like really rough...and he wouldn't go down for a nap that afternoon. I was so done. I pulled him out of his crib as he was screaming/pinching me. I pinched his arms back and said "THAT DOES NOT FEEL GOOD DOES IT!" then I put him on the floor & said a few bleeps and told him to get out of here and gently pushed him out the door. I think it freaked him out really bad to see me so mad. I regret losing my cool like that. I already have a short temper and pregnancy makes it even shorter. I finally put him back in his crib and let him cry it out. He went down but woke up 30 minutes into his nap. I had cooled off by then so I took him and snuggled him in the recliner while he slept for another 45 minutes. Just sitting there holding my sweet baby who doesn't know what's going on with his emotions and feelings and who has a mom who looses her temper way too easily...just cuddled up with his ear to my chest listening to the heartbeat he had memorized 18 months ago. How could I be so impatient and unforgiving? Needless to say I'm trying to learn from it and move forward with a more understanding heart that looks at my child with eyes that see him for who he really is instead of how he's acting.

Every night I sing him this song + a primary song and tell him 4 things that I want him to always remember. I hope he knows that I love him.

One of my favorite pictures of him lately...this was in one of our hotels in Utah. There's my happy baby.