Thursday, July 28, 2016

vent




I'm so proud of myself for blogging again! Time is spinning so fast and I want to write things down so I can laugh at myself later.
The picture above is of Mack pinching me. He pinches me and anyone close to him constantly. He also likes to slap and pull hair. It's incredibly aggravating. Like, he'll be doing something naughty already so I'll pick him up, and he'll pinch the crap out of the back of my arms or slap my face. I may or may not have locked myself in the bathroom and cried earlier this week. It just seems like my sweet, happy boy has been overshadowed by this urge to be aggressive. It's really hard to see and it's really hard for me to feel connected to him because I feel constantly frustrated. I guess that's something I have to fix in myself. It's also hard for me to put him in social situations because I have to watch him like a hawk and I get so embarrassed when he hurts other kids. I'm praying (no, begging) that this phase ends fast. The other day at swim lessons, he slapped me across the face really hard in front of all the parents. I was mortified. I know he's just being a toddler, but it still totally sucks.
On a happier note he's talking up a storm (it's probably part of his aggression, I think he wishes he could talk more). Some of his (and my) favorite words are: truck (everything is a truck), ball, Luna, pwees (please), dee doo (thank you), no, ya, duck, and melmo (elmo). It makes me smile when I ask him a question and responds with "ya" or "no" like he knows what I'm talking about.
"Do you want some milk?" "Noooo" ...takes the sippy anyways.
"Do you want to take a nap?" "Ya"...cries when we walk into his room.

He's totally into Elmo aka Melmo right now. One morning I heard him stand up in his crib and say melmo. He'll either wake up and say melmo, Luna, or poop depending on what's going on that morning (poop if he pooped his diaper). Haha, it's cute. and AWESOME that he will finally watch tv of some sort. I know that sounds bad, but sometimes mama just needs a minute.

I'm getting my first taste of raising a child who maybe doesn't act the way you want him to all the time and you have to find out how to love them through it. Some days are hard. Some days you have to say a few cuss words & eat chocolate (that day was yesterday for me). I might as well write it down because no one reads my blog and maybe I can learn from this experience. We had a really rough morning..like really rough...and he wouldn't go down for a nap that afternoon. I was so done. I pulled him out of his crib as he was screaming/pinching me. I pinched his arms back and said "THAT DOES NOT FEEL GOOD DOES IT!" then I put him on the floor & said a few bleeps and told him to get out of here and gently pushed him out the door. I think it freaked him out really bad to see me so mad. I regret losing my cool like that. I already have a short temper and pregnancy makes it even shorter. I finally put him back in his crib and let him cry it out. He went down but woke up 30 minutes into his nap. I had cooled off by then so I took him and snuggled him in the recliner while he slept for another 45 minutes. Just sitting there holding my sweet baby who doesn't know what's going on with his emotions and feelings and who has a mom who looses her temper way too easily...just cuddled up with his ear to my chest listening to the heartbeat he had memorized 18 months ago. How could I be so impatient and unforgiving? Needless to say I'm trying to learn from it and move forward with a more understanding heart that looks at my child with eyes that see him for who he really is instead of how he's acting.

Every night I sing him this song + a primary song and tell him 4 things that I want him to always remember. I hope he knows that I love him.



One of my favorite pictures of him lately...this was in one of our hotels in Utah. There's my happy baby.

Monday, June 27, 2016

Should I wear pants today?

Should I Wear Pants Today? (Teal)


I love that print. I’m pretty sure I just bought it so that I can get it in the mail and put it in my pile with the rest of the pictures and prints I’ve ordered but have yet to hang in our house (it’s been 2 years). I blame it on our busy life, which I feel is really busy these days, but then again everyone is busy and manages to get things done so why can’t I? It's a good day if I put pants on. Seriously. Like, I'm serious. Most days it's the G's and a robe until noon, or scrubby workout clothes that I probably pulled out of the hamper.


Here’s what’s keeping us busy in this stage of life:
-Ryan works full time. His hours are never the same day to day, which is insanely annoying because trying to plan life between our 2 work schedules is a nightmare. I feel like every night he’s busy, too. He either has to mow the lawn, or go to scouts, or plays softball, or helps his dad with a project, or plays basketball, or goes golfing. All good things I suppose. He’s usually home in time for us to watch a show or 2, and you know how I love my shows.


-I work 2 nights a week. My new job is pretty good and the pay is pretty great. I don’t feel like I’m keeping up with my nursing skills like I did with my old job where I was in the middle of everything. Now, as a float nurse, I just kind of skim the surface. It’s ok though I guess. This isn’t my passion. I don’t know what my passion is, but this definitely isn’t it. It works for now. And I’m thankful to have health insurance!


-I get really overwhelmed with housework. Either my house is a complete pigsty and will stay that way for several days. Or else I get really OCD and clean like a mad woman. I wish I could maintain a cleaning schedule but my work schedule changes each week so that makes it hard. I’m kind of obsessed with having a clean house but if I don’t have the time/energy to do it well, then I don’t do it at all. Plus it depends on Mack as well. Somedays he just won’t let me. Too whiny, clingy, needy, etc. Toddler problems.


- Ryan has 2 callings that keep him super busy—11 year old scout leader, and sunbeam teacher. I teach the Beehives at church. Thursday nights & Sundays are always packed. They’re fun callings though. We’re learning a lot and getting stretched, so that’s good. Somedays I have a hard time relating to the beehives. I don’t think they get my sense of humor and so I feel really awkward and lame. And then other days they say the most amazing things during a lesson and I’m blown away by how spiritual they are!


-Mack is 17 months old! Holy cow. I don’t think I need to explain the busy part about this child. He just is. He’s either busy getting into things, creating messes, destroying things, or running around naked. He is exhausting. He’s 95% for everything (height, weight, head) so basically he’s huge and my back hurts 95% of the time. Carrying him up the stairs is hard. Add pregnancy and I’m winded after 2 steps. Like, I have to lean over and catch my breath . Phew. Even though this stage is exhausting, there are some days where I just have an absolute blast with him, he can be so fun! Like I look at him and think, you’re my real life little friend. He can say the usual: mama, dada, papa, Luna (na na), dog but some of his favorite words are truck (everything is a truck, he’s obsessed), ball, hi, bye, water (wa wa), Jesus, Cici (his cousin), tree, please (pwees), thank you (tee too) …there’s more, I’m just forgetting. He loves to make people laugh and makes farting noises on my bare skin whenever he gets the chance. He’s a feisty little nugget and sometimes can be a  little bully with his peers when he doesn’t get his way (sorry, nursery). He’s just a giant and likes to boss people around. He’s a great eater (everything expect veggies), sleeps 11-12 hours at night but only naps like 45 mins- 1 hour during the day womp womppppp…I just have this intense love for him and he is such a part of who I am as a person now. It’s a cool feeling to be that intertwined with your child. The unconditional love is for real. Don’t get me wrong though, I’m probably a crappy mom. The other day he wouldn’t stop grinding his teeth and I got so mad at him. I absolutely hate that sound. I legit yelled, grabbed his face really hard, and put him in time out. I felt so bad afterwards, he had giant alligator tears, yet still wanted me to pick him up and love him. Makes me cringe just thinking about it. I have a lot to learn from him.


This post is long. I think that’s enough of an update for now. We’re going to Utah this week! I can’t wait to see all my friends and family and be with Ryan and Mack for 10 days straight!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thursday, August 13, 2015

All About Boobs


 
This past week was National Breastfeeding Week!  It has made me think a lot about breastfeeding and the love/hate relationship we have together. So I'm going to share my thoughts. Because it's my blog.
I'm not one of those people that's going to try and push my breastfeeding beliefs on anyone. I know how it goes, sometimes it just doesn't work out. But I never thought I would be so into breastfeeding!I think my job has a lot to do with that. I help mom's breastfeed everyday & I have loved and admired all the breastfeeding relationships I've seen. It is seriously a beautiful thing! That base helped me LOADS when I began to breastfeed Macklin. I felt so lucky to have some kind of knowledge base to back me up when days were hard and painful. It also helped that Mack is a champion nurser...but it really felt like second nature for us getting started.
I wanted to type some advice for myself...while the experience is fresh in my mind.
 
Dear self,
1) The first weeks are HARD. The baby eats ALL THE TIME and FOR A FREAKING LONG TIME. At times he would want to eat every two hours, for an hour long per feeding, aka I would get MAYBE an hour in between feedings to un-cow myself. Ugh. It was hard. I would call my mom in tears and ask her to go get formula, but we never had to actually resort to that!
 
2) I stressed a lot about having a good milk supply. I did fenugreek, lactation cookies, Gatorade, coconut water (gag)...I tried it all. What worked the best for me I think was feeding on demand, and pumping after my first morning feed when milk production is at it's highest point. It helped me start to get a little freezer store as well! Mack was a little piggy. He gained weight so fast and I think my production had a hard time keeping up at first. Now that he's eating solids and sleeping through the night, I have a bit of an oversupply.....as in over 1,000 ounces in my freezer. It's a good problem to have.
 
3) You have to figure out what works for you. At first, I was sick of breastfeeding all the time, especially when I wanted to hang out with family and friends. I'm not ( and am still not ) completely comfortable breastfeeding in front of people other than my husband or mom, so if I am around others I use a cover which is not really that fun to breastfeed under, or I isolate myself in another room. Boring. So I tried exclusively pumping for a bit. That was a nice relief because I could see how much I was producing. It was oddly rewarding to see that. But it didn't last long because Mr. Hungry Pants usually was not patient enough for me to pump.
 
4) It's all about supply & demand. Don't skip feedings and expect your supply to keep up. It's about getting your "magic number" of feedings/pumpings in a day. My magic number right now is 6. It changes with baby's needs. This means that you really don't get breaks. But maybe you'll get lucky and your baby will sleep through the night. It's amazing how your body regulates your milk supply to baby's needs.
 
5) It hurts so bad if your latch isn't right. Keep those lips flared out! If baby is struggling with the latch, look into it! Maybe he's lip or tongue tied. Even if he is, which I think Mack is, he can still learn to latch correctly with a little help. Or, maybe it hurts if you're 1-3 weeks post partum. I remember getting the chills after a shower one night from the pain. Cool gel pads and lanolin and coconut oil and your own breastmilk help with that. Gotta get them nips trained!
 
6) Speaking of pain. At first I had a hard time bonding with Macklin because my only interactions with him were painful (aka when he was breastfeeding.) After he was done, someone would take him and love on him, or I would lay him down to nap. Make sure you take the time to cuddle, love, and enjoy your newborn in between the painful, beginning nursing sessions. Don't worry about creating bad habits if you nurse him to sleep and then hold him while he sleeps. You can sleep train later. Babies be babies for such a short amount of time.
 
7) Suddenly it just gets better. I can't really pinpoint a moment but all of a sudden you look forward to each feeding (hello, time to catch up on your shows!) You see this moment of relief and comfort come over your baby's face when he starts to breastfeed that makes you feel like you're giving him a gift. Which you are. So all those days of tears and frustration suddenly become worth it.
Also, it's awesome when you don't have to wash bottles. Or buy formula!!
 
PS-- Working full time & continuing to breastfeed has been really difficult. Most days it's a lot of stress & sleep deprivation. But we're doing it! It will probably be one of my greatest life accomplishments.
Ha! but really.
 
6 months down, the goal is 6 more!
 
XOXO
 

Sunday, July 26, 2015

Seasons

I was thinking the other day about how mad I was going to be at myself for not journaling in some form the first few years of being a mom. I've been having a hard time because part of me wants my blog to be this aesthetically pleasing, fun to read & look at internet escape, but then...reality sets in. But the need for myself to journal is greater than for anyone else so you can go ahead and ignore me now. 


Ugh, I'm still working nights and somehow it's a lot harder than it used to be. I'm working a lot and the nights I work I feel so disconnected from the world and from my world. I'm trying to find the balance between getting sleep during the day and still being a breastfeeding mother. It's definitely taking a toll on me physically & emotionally. I keep telling myself I've had enough sleep but my body says something else. I like nights because I get to see more of Macklin that way, but personally I feel like a zombie. I keep telling myself that this is just "a season of life" & it wont last forever. I feel like on my days off I am so spent that I can't find the energy or motivation to do a.n.y.t.h.i.n.g so I sit there & think about all the chores I have to do and all the fun things I want to do and I don't even know where to begin. I work with a lot of working moms. I don't know how they do it. I'm losing a sense of self in all of this but I'm just trying to hang on...it will get better...right?
Enough about me. Ryan is an amazing stay at home dad. He goes to school full time & takes care of Macklin. Their relationship is the absolute best & I love seeing Mack's face light up when Ryan walks in the room. He follows his voice and laughs at everything he does. If ever I'm breastfeeding Mack & Ryan walks in the room, he pops off so he can see his dad. It's kind of annoying but completely adorable.
Ryan and I started our family earlier than we had originally planned. I had a nagging feeling before we started trying that we shouldn't wait too much longer and that God would help fill in the gaps. We wanted to wait until Ryan was closer to being done with school to have a baby, but I'm glad we chose to move forward in faith. When I was pregnant with Mack I would often have strong impressions about him--about his strength, his health, his character. I had a feeling he would be mild and would be able to fit into our crazy life right now. It's been so true. He is such a mild, go with the flow baby. He has been sleeping through the night since the 2nd night I went back to work. He eats well, has been healthy, doesn't nap for very long, but does well on his schedule and is just overall a really happy person. He has been the sunshine in our lives & I am so so so thankful we didn't have to wait any longer to have him with us. 



This picture was taken as I was leaving for my first night back to work after maternity leave. It's like he's saying to me "Don't worry bout me mom, I'll be fine!" 


It's just another season of life. Somedays when I feel like the wind is blowing and I'm tired of this season, I just remind myself that I'll miss it when it's past.  
Ryan & I just finished the TV series 'Parenthood' (I cried & laughed in nearly every episode...) & one of the last scenes really got me. The grandpa & grandma of the family go back to visit the home where they raised their family & had lived for many years. As they pulled up to it, they saw young children playing in the yard and a pregnant mom in the doorway of the house calling her kids inside. Camille, the grandma says, "Boy she's got her hands full." & Zeek responds "Yeah...I hope she's loving every second of it." I realize this season of life, with all the other responsibilities I have, may not be exactly picturesque or blog worthy.... But I am loving every second of being a wife and a mom. It's all I've ever wanted. 

XOXO

Tuesday, March 10, 2015

That first month

 
This picture pretty much sums it up.
Nobody warned me about how hhaaarrrddd the first month with a newborn would be. I was mentally prepared for sleep deprivation, and a baby that cries all the time. What I was not prepared for was how I would feel emotionally. Everyone kept telling me that it was normal to feel the way I was feeling (overwhelmed, frustrated, scared, wondering what in the french toast did I get myself into!!!!) but in my mind, I kept seeing these instagram and facebook posts with new moms who were "SOooOOoooOO IN LOVE with my newborn". Of course I love Macklin and have since before he was born, but I was NOT in love with being a mom, with breastfeeding, with trying to figure out what he needs.
But one night after leaving a friends house, we went for a drive to get Mack to go to sleep. So we drove and we drove and we drove and he finally went to sleep. Of course I had to go to the bathroom so bad while we were out driving, so we stopped at a gas station and lo and behold guess who woke up! All that driving for nothin'. We started the trek back for home with him screaming in the back seat. We were frustrated..exhausted...etc...I thought to myself what can I do for him?
I told Ryan to stop the car and I climbed into the back with him. I lifted up his carseat cover, grabbed his clutched fists and held them in my hands and softly spoke to him, telling him that it was ok, mama's here now. And wouldn't you know it, he looked at me, took a few long blinks and went right back to sleep.
All he needed was....me.
 
That wasn't the single moment that changed things for me, but all I can say is that we are figuring it out. & maybe being a mom is kind of awesome.
Happy one month my little squishy lover boy.  
 
 
 
Also, that tongue (googily eyes)
XOXO
 

Monday, February 9, 2015

Parent Initiation

We had what I like to call "parent initiation" the other day...aka our first real health scare with Macklin.
He got circumcised at his doctor's office last Wednesday-they didn't do it at the hospital because he had some swelling "down there" and they didn't think they could effectively circumcise him. Initially they were going to make us see a urologist at the children's hospital, but thankfully our pediatrician said he would do it.
[Mack is going to love that I'm blogging about this...]
Anywho-he got his wee wee chopped and that was that.
Until about 12 hours later, when I went to go change his diaper, I noticed that the whole front of his diaper was bright red, BEFORE I had even taken it off. I yelled "RYAN GET IN HERE NOW" and opened up the diaper to find this:
 
 
It was pretty horrifying. He had massive blood clots coming off of his penis as well. Of course it was 10:30 at night, everything was closed except for the ER....we were panicked! It would not stop bleeding. I called work because there's always a pediatrician there, and they told me to put pressure and wrap some gauze. So Ryan frantically went out to the store and bought 4 boxes of gauze (ha, perhaps a bit overboard for one tiny wiener, but we were freaked).
I still wasn't sure what to do--if we should take him in or what. We decided to just watch it. He was acting like it was no big deal, so at least he was calm. Of course he's a baby so what does he know: 
 
 
We got ready for bed & I prayed that if I needed to take him in to be seen that I wouldn't be able to sleep. But I was able to sleep until his next feeding at 3am. Unfortunately his diaper at 3am looked exactly like the one at 10:30pm--blood soaked and filled with clots. Crap. What now? He's tiny and can't afford to lose anymore blood. So, I said another prayer and felt impressed to call my doctor's office at 4 in the morning. Crazy thought but I went with it. Come to find out there's an on call line and our pediatrician was the doctor on call that night. I texted him the picture of all the blood and he was pretty freaked out too-he almost made us go to the ER, but he knows I'm a nurse and trusted my judgment. I told him I would keep an eye on it, and that the bleeding looked like it was slowing. He agreed to meet us early before office hours to take care of whatever bleeding was left. Wouldn't you know it, by the time we took him in, the bleeding had stopped. Thankfully I had picture evidence so he didn't think I was some paranoid, over reacting first time mom (which I am, but that's another story..)
 
The reason I'm blogging about this is just because I felt so guided and so calm (after the initial shock wore off of course). I was reading an article later that stated something to the fact that "God loves your children more than you do, so ask Him for help." It totally felt that way. I felt like He was right there talking me through what to do & how to react. It was a pretty cool experience, despite the scare, and it gives me a lot of confidence that when other sticky situations come my way, as a mother, I will be guided because this is more than a major responsibility...it is a divine role, with divine aid.
Pretty cool stuff.
XOXO
 


Monday, February 2, 2015

#mackdaddycachemoney

It has been a while, blog world, since you and I have met.
I guess I don't really know why.
I use this blog as a place for me to process emotions. For example, when Ryan left on his mission, my blog became a shrink of sorts. It was seriously helpful for me to process emotions and deal with all that was going on around me and within me.
Well I'm finding myself at another transition/big change/life moment--becoming a mother.
While some of these feelings may be too deep and personal for the interwebs, I know I'll regret it if I don't capture them when I am in the thick of them. And really, who has the energy for pen and paper after taking care of a newborn???
Alas, back to the blog I find myself.

So where to begin? This year has been an awesome year. We got pregnant, had a beautiful, healthy, and strong pregnancy, bought a house! enjoyed good health (I think that means you're getting old when you talk about good health as a highlight) visited NYC (Ryan's first time), said goodbye to my sweet grandma, welcomed a new sister in law and baby Cici into the family, and a lot of other happy moments in between. Buying a house sucked more than most things I've ever experienced in life, but it's been well worth it and we love where we live in my hometown close to family & familiar things. Luna has a fenced in backyard too! She barks at all the neighbor dogs and gets to poop wherever she wants! Ryan is still in school full time, he is on track to graduate in December of this year (cue the parade and happy tears). He's also working part time at a bank...he's so busy. I miss him. I'm still in the NICU & I love it. I'll be going back full time in April and while I am so nervous to become a working mom, I have an amazing support system and a great job so I have it pretty good.


Well that's a pretty fair summary I'd say.

Now let's talk about our little man.

Macklin Cache Lawter was born on Saturday 1/24 at 12:32am.
I was induced on Friday the 23rd at 40.6 weeks, and trust me, I tried everything besides reaching up there and yanking him out myself to get him to come earlier. I must have a comfy uterus. Which is a good thing in the long run I suppose. My pregnancy rocked though so physically I felt totally fine up to that point. It was just the mental game that was hard. The hardest thing in pregnancy for me was probably insomnia from like 30-37 weeks.
Anyways, back to labor. I had the girls at work strip my membranes a couple times (shh, my dr would not have approved), I tried pumping, (s-e-x), walking, lunges, pineapple..all the tricks. I had a couple nights of contractions but nothing consistent. Lame. We set the induction date for the 23rd so I pretty much settled that an induction would be my fate.
I delivered at the hospital where I work, and it was awesome. I got treated like a pretty princess and had the best care by my friends. Thank you ALL! Also, our food at Truman is seriously good. Like I'm craving it now. Weird.
I was a 2 when I went in to be induced, and he had been super low since like 36 weeks on...which made my dr believe that I wouldn't have to push long (LIES! I'll get to that later) So she started my induction with straight up Pitocin around 9:30am. By about 10 I could start feeling little contractions here and there but probably by about noon, BAM...they started to come fast and furious. I would change everytime they checked me, but it took me all day to get to a 4. I tried to hold off as long as I could to get an epidural, not because I think I'm brave, but because it felt so good to get up and walk around, sit on the birthing ball, go to the bathroom, etc. I finally gave in about 5:30 and got my *first* epidural. No big deal right? Instant relief...except I noticed that my right foot was a lot warmer than my left...suddenly I could feel little twinges of pain on my left side, then after about an hour I could feel everything again. Ugh. Anesthesia came back and said the best option would be to try the epidural again. Double ugh. Not that getting it was so bad, but it wasn't that awesome either...needless to say I wasn't hot on the idea of feeling everything on one side so epidural take 2 it was. My water broke when I sat up the second time and he had pooped in the womb during labor aka his fluid was meconium stained. Most of the time this is ok, but it can cause some serious respiratory issues for some babies so I was a little nervous, but tried to put it in the back of my mind. He was tolerating labor well so far so that was encouraging. The NICU nurse in me had to have quiet in the room the whole time I was in labor so I could listen and evaluate his heart rate strip for myself. Ridiculous, but that's the curse of the NICU nurse.
 Unfortunetly, the same thing happened with epidural numero dos.  I got relief for maybe 45 minutes, but the pain crept back and suddenly everything started to get awful. My contractions on the monitor were off the charts, my heart rate was higher than his, I was sweating and running and a fever (not because I was chorio-an infection that can happen in labor, but because I was in so much freaking pain and the room was literally 100 degrees). I told myself I wouldn't be one of those "screamers" in labor but I was in so much pain I didn't care anymore. I labored pretty much the whole time on my side, and with every contraction I would beat the crap out of the bed railing and scream/moan/cry. This went on from about 6-9pm...everytime I'd scream out so loud that they could hear me at the nurses station, my nurse would come check me...I was progressing a lot quicker once I got to a 4. 5, 6, 8cm....anesthesia tried to come up two different times to redose my epidural, which would help for maybe 20 minutes, but at about 9:30pm, I could feel pain on both sides. I begged my nurse to check me, and hallelujah I was a 9. I burst into tears along with my mom...It was almost over!
Side note: I had the most amazing team helping me. Ryan acted as my epidural and was pressing all of his body weight into rubbing my back during each contraction. He did this for probably 3 hours straight without complaining. It was so amazing. My mother and mother in law were also in the room fanning me, giving me ice chips, and I'm sure silently praying that it would end soon. They were the BEST!

I didn't start pushing until about 11pm, there were 5 other moms in labor/pushing while all this was going on. Which was ok, I had a little bit of cervix left & just knowing the end was in sight helped me mentally get through the pain. Kind of. Macklin's head was lower than my cervix, so my doctor told me AND I QUOTE "The average first time mom has to push for 2 hours. I think we can get this baby out in 30 minutes."
Needless to say I pushed for 1 1/2 hours, because Mack's head was ginormous thankyouverymuch. Pushing was a nightmare. I was just trying to regain some strength after screaming in pain for 4 hours, now they wanted me to PUSH????? WITH ALL MY MIGHT? How? HOW? I was so exhausted. But I had my awesome team behind me (Ryan, my mom and mother in law--I said earlier that I only wanted Ryan in the room but I physically could not have done it without all 3 of them). They had a great system going on. Ryan would hold back one of my legs, my mom would lift my head up, my mother in law would fan me with two fans, and then between pushes as I collapsed onto the bed, Ryan would drop ice chips into my mouth. It was so hard--mentally and physically. You know there's no escaping this pain until you get that baby out but you literally have nothing left to give.
The nurses tried a technique called towel pushing with me where they put a knot on each end of a bed sheet and basically did tug o war with me as I pushed--they would pull against me and I would pull back. It worked wonders and really strengthened the umph in each push. Thankfully despite all of this he was tolerating labor just fine. Huge blessing.
 
 
 
Finally, FINALLY his huge noggin came out and everything else slid right out after that. He was born at 12:32am, and came out purple and not crying so they rushed him to the radiant warmer. Luckily my favorite nurse practioner and NICU friend Amanda were at my delivery waiting for him as a courtesy to me...so they got him breathing and pinked up really quickly. It was amazing how quickly the pain left once he was out. I was laughing and joking almost immediately after. Crazy!
Ryan was the first to hold him and Macklin just stared at him. Ryan sat in a chair and tears just ran down his face. He was speechless, he had no words. Pretty sweet.
 
 
After I got sewed up (thank you episiotomy...I was actually begging them to do it...and to use the vacuum on him haha! They only did the episiotomy though, which I was grateful for.
 
 
 
My doctor estimated that he would be 7-7 1/2 pounds. Surprise! He was 8 lbs 2 ounces, and 20 1/2 inches long. I had a great doctor but she jinxed me every time she opened her mouth.
 
 
This picture cracks me up. From his peely, overcooked skin, to his big ol eyes, to his swollen nose and satisfied look on his face (he had just been fed). I love it.
 
He has been a rockstar nurser since birth which is another huge blessing. So far he seems to be a pretty chill kid--the only time he really wails is when he's cold aka bath time. Hates it. Other than that he just kind of grunts and roots around to let me know he's hungry.
My postpartum emotions have been all over the place as I try to mentally wrap my head around it all. I've had a few moments of missing the simplicity of my "former" life and trying to come to terms with the fact that my life is no longer about me anymore..for the rest of my existence...but that's ok. At least it's getting more and more ok with me the more I get to know our sweet little son. I'm starting week 2 with him now and already feeling better than week 1. But my mind is plagued with mom worries "Am I making enough milk?" "Am I holding him too much?" "Will he ever sleep in a crib?" "Will he ever get on a schedule?" "Will he ever sleep through the night?" I'm trying not to over think it. One day at a time...one moment at a time..one feeding at a time...
 I can't wait to see who he becomes, and I hope I'm up to the challenge of helping him become the man Heavenly Father needs him to be. Kind of daunting, isn't it?
XOXO