Friday, September 28, 2012

Wasn't me

My brother Cory sent this picture out in a family text this past week and I saved it to my camera roll instantly for a few reasons...
a) the song "Wasn't Me" by Shaggy pops into my head whenever I see it and it makes me laugh; he even looks like Shaggy!! Too funny.
b) it reminds me of work.
Now let me go off on a tangent, about b. I am STRUGGLING with a few things about work.
Truman is like stepping into another world. And a lot of patients talk to me like they wouldn't talk to their worst enemy. They throw up pain pills so that they can get IV pain meds (nice try crack head-I'm onto you). They pee on the floor, they order me around, and they don't like to shower. FURIOUS. One second they'll be talking to their friend on the phone, laughing and joking, and the next second when I ask them what their pain is on a scale of one to ten they curl over and say "Ohh Lordddd itsssa teeeennnn" and then once I give them their meds, they go right on laughing..joking..I tell you...FURIOUS. They have weird diseases in their private parts that I have to go digging through in order to place a catheter. They take out their IV ALL ON THEIR OWN because it was "annoying" & it takes 5 different nurses to place a new one because they're a homeless drug addict who has scarred all their veins with cocaine.  They don't tell anyone about the tuberculosis they were diagnosed with 10 years ago and that I was just exposed to. Some of these people are so helpless, they don't even have a clue. It makes me sad for them...this is their whole life. I overheard a girl saying her dad has ten kids and nine baby mamas. 9/10...nice. Actually not nice. Just gross.
Ohhhh I am struggling. And it doesn't help that mother nature came a knocking on my door last night and my back has been aching...I'm scheduled to work tomorrow, but I am lying in bed with a sore back, busy mind, and wide open eyes.
All of this combined is why I'm gunna be like that guy up there and take a mental health day.
Thank heavens for PTO. Truman-I'll see you on Wednesday.
I'm grateful to have a job. I'm grateful to have a job. I'm grateful to have a job.

Sunday, September 16, 2012

My escape

I am feeling alive in a way I haven't felt since I was in high school (which was my prime, I am convinced.)
Missouri has a way of bringing me back to who I am. I have never been so happy in my entire life.
I feel so whole right now. I never thought that home was such a crucial part of me, but it is. I had such a screwy perspective while I was in Utah, I'd like to blame it on the culture that is present there. And not everyone is affected by it, but I sure was. I always felt a pressure to be better, to be smarter, to be thinner, to be more stylish and perfect. But when I'm here in Missouri I don't feel pressure to be anything but myself and it rejuvinates me everyday.
Anwyho--my dad just joined in on a cattle farming business up in Northern Missouri & yesterday at the butt crack of dawn we got to make a trip up to see the cows and be in my personal heaven. We got to bottle feed the new baby calves and get to know the cows by name. It was so cool to see them in their element....I couldn't stop thinking about them the rest of the day...COWS...who falls in love with stinky poopy smelly beautiful strong cows?

This little babe had a stupid mom that abandoned her, so I got to name her. Annie is what I decided on. Sweet little orphan Annie. She rubbed up on my legs like a freakin kitten...I wanted to take her home with me. And cuddle with her all day long. Do you think it would be weird to have a pet cow in a 1 bedroom apartment? I don't.

 We had the prettiest drive up there..and Ryan made a good point when he said "God rewards you for waking up early on a Saturday." Not like you can really see anything but a bright light in the picture above, but just know it was crisp, and smelled like fall...and the sunrise was perfect, so basically I was in heaven.
When I was in high school I used to go on drives through the country and it would help me clear my head and feel right with the world. I never found a place in Utah where I could do that...yesterday just brought all of that back to me. I told my dad that I wanted to eventually take over the business and become a farmer with my husband. I could be a farmer's wife and raise kids on a farm and serve lemonade on my wrap around porch and open all my windows and let the smell of fresh cut grass permeate the walls of my home. My kids would learn the real meaning of work and our family would have to learn how to be more self-reliant and...I can't think of anything better. We will see where life takes us. Maybe it's nothing more than a fantasy for me. A girl can dream right?

To top off the day, we came home and went fishing in my parents backyard pond/lake. I caught my first fish! I'm still not on the level where I can touch them yet (obviously, look at that face) but we're getting there. They're just so... slimy...ew...
Maybe next time.

Monday, September 3, 2012


Another day another blog post!
I'm on a roll ---and I'm promising myself to get more regular. 
So I'm gunna eat more fiber.....
ANYWHO-- our amount of friends here in Missouri has surprised us. We weren't really expecting to have many friends except our families because most young people here do things we don't. And it would be hard to find friends as good as my Utah friends (who were more like family than friends). But the first day we went to church in our new ward, 5 new couples had moved in at the same time. FIVE! They are all a hoot and a half and we have totally gravitated towards each other....duh... It's been a blast! Also a little poor house is getting neglected. Friends have the trump card right now. 
Today we took one of those couples to the lake with us.
Meet Jack & Erin! 

Super hot couple right? You should see their spawn! Even cuter. 
These two are awesome...and Erin especially has been such a blessing.
We have a lot in common--one thing is that we feel like we hit our prime in high school, and that college was super difficult for us. I definitely went through an identity crisis in college (which is to be expected when you go to a school where 99% of the people are perfect, or at least appear to be..gag me..) Erin has brought me back to myself...the self who is goofy, at times inappropriate, and hardly makes a straight face for a camera (except for that picture up there). 
Such a's amazing how the Lord works through others to help us remember who we are... 


Sunday, September 2, 2012

The Life

I promised a friend that I would start blogging again...regularly....
this used to come soo easily to me? And now I find myself with a loss of creativity and interesting ways to say:
 "I go to work. I come home. I kiss my husband and go to bed." 
This really is the life I've always dreamed of. It's really peaceful and secure, and I like that. 
My favorite parts include laying next to Ryan at night, spending time with our new friends, and living a short drive from family. Life is so secure. I love it. 
But like any time of life...there comes insecurities. My newest insecurity involves my role in life as a wife, and a future mother. I have never struggled with this one before, but it's been hitting me a lot lately. I always felt like being a wife and mother would come naturally to me.. But when you throw work into the mix, and a possibility of continuing education, I find myself taking a step back and saying, 
"Where is my passion? How am I going to balance this all? What do I really want?" 
It's also really weird to be "the provider" of the family. I have had to change my mind set...and for some reason it has really messed me up. 
I always thought motherhood was something I would excel in. But now, I'm not so sure. I know most mothers feel inadequate. For me though, it's more than that. It's like pure terror. Which I think means we need to wait for a lot of years.. 

Let's talk about this place for a second. That's my work up there. I was walking back from our Occupational Health office because some dude's blood got ON my eye (eek) when I snapped this photo. Thankfully ON and IN have significant differences in the life of a nurse. Like...the difference between catching some blood borne disease, and not. 
Just a day in the life. 
I feel very fortunate to have my job. I work with wonderfully nice people, and I already feel 100% more confident in my nursing skills than I did 3 months ago when I started. I'm off orientation in TWO WEEKS! I'm so grateful to be a nurse! I am on my feet so much, the 12 hours (usually) fly by. Of course, there are the patients that have been meth addicts since they were 12, and are so uneducated that they drop the f bomb more often that not. Or the racists. Or homeless alcoholics. Or gang members with stab wounds. 
Just a day in the life. 

Let's talk about something I am feeling good about: our home! I adore our apartment. I finally ordered some pictures to put in frames, and we are putting it together, piece by piece. I realized all of my favorite, and cutest decorations are from the wedding. But...whatcha gunna do. 

This is the kind of mother I will be...just throw them in my purse and call it good. 
I think that's a sign I need to wait a few years.