I was thinking the other day about how mad I was going to be at myself for not journaling in some form the first few years of being a mom. I've been having a hard time because part of me wants my blog to be this aesthetically pleasing, fun to read & look at internet escape, but then...reality sets in. But the need for myself to journal is greater than for anyone else so you can go ahead and ignore me now.
Ugh, I'm still working nights and somehow it's a lot harder than it used to be. I'm working a lot and the nights I work I feel so disconnected from the world and from my world. I'm trying to find the balance between getting sleep during the day and still being a breastfeeding mother. It's definitely taking a toll on me physically & emotionally. I keep telling myself I've had enough sleep but my body says something else. I like nights because I get to see more of Macklin that way, but personally I feel like a zombie. I keep telling myself that this is just "a season of life" & it wont last forever. I feel like on my days off I am so spent that I can't find the energy or motivation to do a.n.y.t.h.i.n.g so I sit there & think about all the chores I have to do and all the fun things I want to do and I don't even know where to begin. I work with a lot of working moms. I don't know how they do it. I'm losing a sense of self in all of this but I'm just trying to hang on...it will get better...right?
Enough about me. Ryan is an amazing stay at home dad. He goes to school full time & takes care of Macklin. Their relationship is the absolute best & I love seeing Mack's face light up when Ryan walks in the room. He follows his voice and laughs at everything he does. If ever I'm breastfeeding Mack & Ryan walks in the room, he pops off so he can see his dad. It's kind of annoying but completely adorable.
Ryan and I started our family earlier than we had originally planned. I had a nagging feeling before we started trying that we shouldn't wait too much longer and that God would help fill in the gaps. We wanted to wait until Ryan was closer to being done with school to have a baby, but I'm glad we chose to move forward in faith. When I was pregnant with Mack I would often have strong impressions about him--about his strength, his health, his character. I had a feeling he would be mild and would be able to fit into our crazy life right now. It's been so true. He is such a mild, go with the flow baby. He has been sleeping through the night since the 2nd night I went back to work. He eats well, has been healthy, doesn't nap for very long, but does well on his schedule and is just overall a really happy person. He has been the sunshine in our lives & I am so so so thankful we didn't have to wait any longer to have him with us.
This picture was taken as I was leaving for my first night back to work after maternity leave. It's like he's saying to me "Don't worry bout me mom, I'll be fine!"
It's just another season of life. Somedays when I feel like the wind is blowing and I'm tired of this season, I just remind myself that I'll miss it when it's past.
Ryan & I just finished the TV series 'Parenthood' (I cried & laughed in nearly every episode...) & one of the last scenes really got me. The grandpa & grandma of the family go back to visit the home where they raised their family & had lived for many years. As they pulled up to it, they saw young children playing in the yard and a pregnant mom in the doorway of the house calling her kids inside. Camille, the grandma says, "Boy she's got her hands full." & Zeek responds "Yeah...I hope she's loving every second of it." I realize this season of life, with all the other responsibilities I have, may not be exactly picturesque or blog worthy.... But I am loving every second of being a wife and a mom. It's all I've ever wanted.