Thursday, July 28, 2016

vent




I'm so proud of myself for blogging again! Time is spinning so fast and I want to write things down so I can laugh at myself later.
The picture above is of Mack pinching me. He pinches me and anyone close to him constantly. He also likes to slap and pull hair. It's incredibly aggravating. Like, he'll be doing something naughty already so I'll pick him up, and he'll pinch the crap out of the back of my arms or slap my face. I may or may not have locked myself in the bathroom and cried earlier this week. It just seems like my sweet, happy boy has been overshadowed by this urge to be aggressive. It's really hard to see and it's really hard for me to feel connected to him because I feel constantly frustrated. I guess that's something I have to fix in myself. It's also hard for me to put him in social situations because I have to watch him like a hawk and I get so embarrassed when he hurts other kids. I'm praying (no, begging) that this phase ends fast. The other day at swim lessons, he slapped me across the face really hard in front of all the parents. I was mortified. I know he's just being a toddler, but it still totally sucks.
On a happier note he's talking up a storm (it's probably part of his aggression, I think he wishes he could talk more). Some of his (and my) favorite words are: truck (everything is a truck), ball, Luna, pwees (please), dee doo (thank you), no, ya, duck, and melmo (elmo). It makes me smile when I ask him a question and responds with "ya" or "no" like he knows what I'm talking about.
"Do you want some milk?" "Noooo" ...takes the sippy anyways.
"Do you want to take a nap?" "Ya"...cries when we walk into his room.

He's totally into Elmo aka Melmo right now. One morning I heard him stand up in his crib and say melmo. He'll either wake up and say melmo, Luna, or poop depending on what's going on that morning (poop if he pooped his diaper). Haha, it's cute. and AWESOME that he will finally watch tv of some sort. I know that sounds bad, but sometimes mama just needs a minute.

I'm getting my first taste of raising a child who maybe doesn't act the way you want him to all the time and you have to find out how to love them through it. Some days are hard. Some days you have to say a few cuss words & eat chocolate (that day was yesterday for me). I might as well write it down because no one reads my blog and maybe I can learn from this experience. We had a really rough morning..like really rough...and he wouldn't go down for a nap that afternoon. I was so done. I pulled him out of his crib as he was screaming/pinching me. I pinched his arms back and said "THAT DOES NOT FEEL GOOD DOES IT!" then I put him on the floor & said a few bleeps and told him to get out of here and gently pushed him out the door. I think it freaked him out really bad to see me so mad. I regret losing my cool like that. I already have a short temper and pregnancy makes it even shorter. I finally put him back in his crib and let him cry it out. He went down but woke up 30 minutes into his nap. I had cooled off by then so I took him and snuggled him in the recliner while he slept for another 45 minutes. Just sitting there holding my sweet baby who doesn't know what's going on with his emotions and feelings and who has a mom who looses her temper way too easily...just cuddled up with his ear to my chest listening to the heartbeat he had memorized 18 months ago. How could I be so impatient and unforgiving? Needless to say I'm trying to learn from it and move forward with a more understanding heart that looks at my child with eyes that see him for who he really is instead of how he's acting.

Every night I sing him this song + a primary song and tell him 4 things that I want him to always remember. I hope he knows that I love him.



One of my favorite pictures of him lately...this was in one of our hotels in Utah. There's my happy baby.