Saturday, September 10, 2016

Real Talk

Last weekend we went to a wedding for one of Ryan's very best friends growing up. Ryan was a groomsmen and the wedding was full of people he grew up with and had known for a really long time. Super fun time for him. This picture is from the wedding and I posted it to instagram for posterity sake and because I was just being a good millennial. I got some nice comments including one that said "your family is perfect" from a friend I love a lot & who knows that we are NOT perfect. But I just wanted to share the real talk behind this picture.

Ryan had been gone ALL day to do wedding-y things. The first time we saw eachother he was walking (of course) the hottest bridesmaid down the aisle...which is fine, I told myself. This isn't a debutante ball. It's a WEDDING. Get over it (but whyyyy does he have to be paired with the prettiest one? insert distressed emoji here!) I was distracted by Mack and jellybeans until the ceremony was over and we were finally able to go over and talk to Ryan. But suddenly as Mack & I were walking up to Ryan, who was surrounded by his "buddies" and "pretty bridesmaid", I looked down and remembered how huge I felt. And how tight my dress was. And wondered if people could see my belly button. And hoping no one would notice my droopy butt or the crumbs stuck to my belly. I was mortified with myself. It seemed as if everyone there that was our age was skinny, beautiful, *drunk or getting there*, and having a good time. The rest of the night was so weird for me. I didn't want Ryan to look at me. I was embarrassed about myself, my appearance. I felt like the fat pregnant cow of a wife to this super hot, hunky, popular, fun, charming groomsmen.
These feelings were so real to me. I know Ryan could tell something was up but I was so ashamed of myself I couldn't even talk to him about it until a couple nights later.
( took me days to get over this).
I blame pregnancy for my extreme emotions and deflated self esteem but it scared me to have such feelings of self loathing. I kept telling myself that Ryan didn't belong with me, but with someone prettier and skinnier. I was breaking my own heart and only hurting myself. I don't really know how I was able to shake these feelings. I am my own worst enemy. Why do I have to be so mean to myself? I'm growing a little girl! I should never be ashamed of my body in any stage, and yet I always find a reason to criticize it.

I'm trying not to make everything all about me, just explain the reality of this picture.
Social media has a way of twisting reality I'm afraid.